Forgiveness leads to love that lasts
Ah, February. We’re gaining massive amounts of daylight and still giddy from the January thaw. And of course, Valentine’s Day. Those shiny red and pink decorations that started popping up practically before Christmas was down, remind us of this notable holiday.
Love is definitely in the air in February. I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, prompted by a recent check-in question from a group I facilitate: What does real love mean to you? There were some great answers to this question, reflecting millennia of prolific theorizing on this concept, containing themes of acceptance, unconditionality, communication, perseverance, truth. Basically, seeing someone as they truly are, flaws and virtues, and loving them anyway through thick and thin. All acknowledged that this takes work and a good deal of healthy communication. The one thing that stood out to me, though, was the concept of forgiveness — that we can’t love without forgiveness.
The course of conversation throughout the night also led to the topic of self-forgiveness, perhaps more important than forgiveness of others, because it is the precursor to other-forgiveness, the door through which we must walk in order to extend that good gift to another. So, I’d like to discuss self-love and self-forgiveness, two topics that often get a bad rap, but are the building blocks of healthy relationships, and yes, love, with others.
A famous quote from Maya Angelou aptly captures the essence of this importance: “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ ... There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt” (Good Reads, n.d.). We can’t give what we don’t have. So how do we get it?
It may be simpler than we think, since “self-love is love, just directed inward” (Psych Central, 2024). We all know how to love, since we do it every day. We know of some or all of the types of love that ancient Greek philosophers put forth, such as eros (romantic love), philia (friendship or shared goodwill), storge (family or bond-based love), agape (charitable, altruistic, unconditional love), ludus (playful, flirtatious), pragma (duty-based love) and, finally, philautia (self-love).
Healthy love for others involves acceptance without excuse-making, compassion, support and empathy without enabling and, of course, forgiveness. Loving well enables us to possess what is good, right, true and beautiful, the essence of happiness. (Psychology Today, 2024.)
Forgiveness is difficult for many people, and it’s important to make some very important clarifications that forgiveness does not equal forgetting, endorsing what happened, denying the seriousness of the offense, releasing legal consequences or even trying to necessarily restore a relationship.
Forgiving is about letting go of anger, resentment and vengeance, whether the forgiveness is deserved or not. Forgiveness has some hefty benefits for the forgiver, including peace of mind, feelings of contentment and happiness, less depression and anxiety, lower blood pressure, better immune function and heart health, increased connectedness and better relationships. Forgiveness frees us, and when we’re free, we can love well. (Greater Good Magazine, n.d.; Mayo Clinic, 2022.)
Self-love is just extending the same courtesy, compassion, acceptance and support to yourself as you would to others. I often tell my clients, “Don’t say anything to yourself you wouldn’t say to your kids.” This advice is very difficult, and I’ve very much had to practice it myself! And yet, it’s true, no one can grow or thrive, much less make positive changes long term, on harshness, negativity or derisiveness. This includes from ourselves.
Just as we would love someone else well, offering them acceptance, compassion, support and empathy without excuse-making or enabling, we must offer ourselves the same in order to have a solid base from which to love others. (Brain and Behavior, 2020; Psych Central, 2024).
And this brings us to self-forgiveness, the final and often most difficult piece of self-love. If other-forgiveness is difficult, self-forgiveness is more difficult. All of us have done things we regret, often deeply. I have personally experienced this, and many of my clients share that this is the final obstacle in healing.
Forgiveness is not giving a free pass. It’s looking at things from an objective lens and saying, “I release anger, resentment, vengeance. I choose to move on and do better.” Forgiveness, including of the self, frees us to live our lives and love well from a physically and emotionally healthy, connected space. Unforgiveness stunts our ability to show up in life, including unforgiveness of ourselves. Self-forgiveness allows us to truly forgive others well, that essential piece in “real love.”
As a follow-up to this Valentine’s Day, give yourself and others the gift of real love, love that is only possible from a solid base of self-love, including self-forgiveness. After all, a naked person has no shirt to give.