Santa relocates to Wyoming

I
t was no shock to find out that Santa Claus will be taking up residence in, or somewhere around, Wyoming. That’s according to Rafa Cereceda, who tweeted the following on Oct. 28: “The North Pole is currently located somewhere around Wyoming. #ClimateChange.” Okay, he didn’t say anything about Santa, but you can’t talk about the North Pole without Santa’s involvement. Everyone knows this, so don’t think of me as naive.
This tweet is good news. I’ve wanted to meet Santa Claus for decades. Now that he is going to be living closer or somewhere around closer, I think my chances are significantly higher. I doubt, very much, that I would ever have been able to take a trip to what used to be the North Pole, but somewhere around Wyoming is doable. I’m just upset that all my globes are now useless.
The information that Cereceda uses comes from the website Climate Reanalyzer at https://climatereanalyzer.org/ from the Climate Change Institute and the University of Maine. Now it appears that these are people who are smarter than the rest of us. I won’t argue with them. I guess Cereceda is also more intelligent. In another of his tweets, he said (and I am not making this up), “The world: “Oh my God Extremoduro is separated” – Me: “Ah But they were still?” That’s how lost I am.” How else could he make this claim unless he was really, really smart? Me: I don’t even know what he’s talking about, so I’m obviously not that smart. That fact becomes evident when you speak to anyone who really knows me.
But I am qualified (not smart, but qualified) to break apart this tweet and look at it deeply, pulling out all the ramifications of what this now means to us who live in Wyoming. This news also affects the Clauses and those poor elves that have lived for the past few hundred years north of us and must now relocate.
First off, “The North Pole is currently ...” Apparently, because of climate change, the North Pole meanders around the planet over time. And the word currently means “now.” I remember when it was a fixed location on earth. That is no longer the case. Next month, who knows where it will be, but “currently” it is near us, or it was back in October. But we can’t count on it remaining somewhere around Wyoming. Nor can we count on it actually being at one of the poles of our planet. The “current” location is only that – “current.” Now, the North Pole moved many hundreds of miles in a short time, because back in September I think its location was still way up there; yes, that away. I know there was nothing before on Cereceda’s Twitter mentioning a pole migration, so I’m going to have to assume it moved quickly. And, so far as I know, it’s already passed us by now. So I’m getting out my ruler and map and measuring some distances here. 
(A break to do some scientific analysis)
And the time factor is …
(More scientific number crunching)
Now the angle of movement …
(blather mumble blather)
Um … Got it!
If my calculations are correct, it should be located somewhere around Mexico City by mid-February. I’m surprised that Cereceda hasn’t tweeted anything new about where the North Pole is going to.
Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves are not going to be happy, though. Most of their clothing is made from polar bear fur that is dyed Santa red. There are three problems with this. 
First of all, everybody knows that you can only get Santa red dye at the old location of the North Pole. It comes from the holly berries that only grow in Santa’s garden. I don’t think that the plant will grow in Mexico, not without illegal immigrant migrant elf farmworkers, that is. So it’s going to be hard to find the red dye that is so specific to the Claus clan. 
Secondly, polar bears are relatively rare around Mexico City, and I have it on good authority, an imaginary anonymous source, that the polar bears don’t want to leave the Arctic. Coca Cola is just not the same. Plus, have you ever seen a polar bear eat a taco? I didn’t think so! Now making all those toys and transporting them all over the world causes a lot of wear and tear on Santa red-dyed polar bear fur clothing. It has to do with all those sharp plastic parts that snag on all that fur. See, there’s more to the modern toy industry than making plastic parts suitable to choke on. They are also great at snagging polar bear fur. This might not have been a problem a while ago, but Nerf toys are no longer good toys. Apparently, they teach all our children to become mass murderers, so Santa has banned them.
I don’t think Nerf foam can snag on polar bear fur very well. I suppose the plastic gun part might be able to, but holding a nerf gun while wearing Santa red-dyed polar bear fur looks stupid, and our future mass murderers have an image to protect. So Santa red-dyed polar bear fur snags with a nerf gun are not going to happen. I’ll concede the point that all decked out in khaki, a ski mask and black boots while holding a nerf gun is psychopathic chic. But in Santa red-dyed polar bear fur? Nope. That’s just silly. The point of all that is there will soon be a shortage of usable Santa red-dyed polar bear fur. A careful rereading of this paragraph will, I’m sure, prove that point.
And that ties into the last real problem. Mexico is probably too warm for polar bear fur to be practical as a fashion option. Can you picture a fat, jolly old man covered, first of all, in grey steel wool pad chest hair, and then on top of that you add Santa red-dyed polar bear fur? Can you imagine the perspiration? Neither can I, and I don’t want to. Now I could see that Santa red-dyed polar bear fur as a bikini or thong or something practical like that. But I don’t wish to imagine that image either. I mean, who wants a mental picture of Santa wearing …
Oh crap! Somehow I am going to have to get the image of Santa in a Santa red-dyed polar bear fur thong out of my head. I’m not sure I can do that, but I have to try.
…
Nope, the image is stuck. Now I have one more problem with the new location of the North Pole. And this one is devastating. All I can see is Santa in a Santa red-dyed polar bear fur thong!
I guess I could count on that being a blessing for one excellent reason. An image like that makes me want to cross a Santa meeting off of my bucket list. So wherever the North Pole ends up traveling to, I’m finally okay about not meeting Santa. And I have Cereceda to thank for that. His brilliance has informed me, given me a firm foundation upon which to base decisions, and saved me an unwanted trip to Mexico.
See. I told you he was smart.