I resolve... or How to get nothing done in 2020

A
s the new year approaches – okay, so I’m behind on the times. Not really, though, because there is a new year approaching. At the time of this writing, it is 349 days, 14 hours, 49 minutes, and 10 seconds away ... no wait ... now it is 2 seconds ... um, 48 minutes, 55 seconds. 
You get the point. It is approaching, and there’s nothing you can do about that fact. If you try and change that, all you’ll do is become as frustrated as I get every time I try to will hair into existence on the top of my head. I actually succeeded. But only once. Now I have this Charlie Brown hair proudly sticking up and curling around proudly, a lone player on the stage of my scalp. No supporting characters at all. And I can’t get rid of it either. I cut it, pluck it, Nair it, and it just grows back faster and prouder than before. Stupid hair!
But hair and 2021 is not what I meant to talk about. I was referring to the year 2020. And it dawned on me that my New Year’s resolutions should get laid down. I probably should have done so in December, but I was too busy making sure I broke last year’s resolutions, and sometimes that takes a bit longer than I thought it would. 
This year there are apparent differences in my life. For instance, I’m writing for the paper. The fact that I’m writing at all is actually something different. I read a lot, a couple hours every day, in fact. But writing is new to me. And the fact that what I write is read by others makes my New Year’s resolutions more critical now. Instead of some secret thought, “I resolve to ...” whatever, my words are now witnessed by people. Some of them I know, and for the most part, they are polite. If I broke one of my resolutions, I would probably not hear about it from any of them. Okay, Alexis Barker would probably give me crap about it, but then she gives me crap all the time about everything. I personally think it’s because she’s so full of crap most days that she needs to dole it out in enormous big heaping piles to make room for future crap that she receives all the time. 
I need to get back on track here, and that brings up my first resolution. 
I resolve to stick to the point in all my future columns and articles. 
To do this, I have to identify and define what this means.
When you look up the word “column,” you will see the etymology of it. “Column” comes from the Old French “columbe” (Modern French “colonne,” which means “column,” or “pillar”). And this word comes from the Latin “columna” or “pillar,” collateral form of “columen,” “top, summit,” from PIE “root kel-,” “to be prominent.” What?
I don’t think that helped me. So I must go on.
When you look up the etymology of the word “article,” you will find the following: articulus, translating Greet “arthron,” from the Middle Gobbledegook “articulousnessingly.” But in that case, the meaning is a bit clearer.
You might be asking yourself, how does any of that fulfill your resolution to stick to the point? That’s easy. You see, if I’m going to stick to the point of anything that I’ve said I’ll stick to the point of, you need to point out at what point you want to point to which point you want to stick to. Case in point. I said I’d stick to the point of columns and articles. So I’d better know what I mean by the words “columns” and “articles.” After digging into the meaning of those words, I’ve come away with a clearer sense of those words for my purposes. Because I really have no purpose here, that is my way of saying, I have no idea what those words mean now, at least not in the context of sticking to the point. Clear enough?
So sticking to the point of something I don’t know the meaning of has the inevitable flow of taking my resolution and nullifying it. So, since I can’t stick to the point, might I point out that this resolution is now pointless.
See how easy that was? And my life is now simpler.
And it didn’t take much time for me to get through all that, whatever that was, which brings me to my second resolution.
I resolve to get all my future articles and columns in on time.
This one is a bit more complex to unravel for two reasons. First of all, I’ve already shredded my ability to figure out what an article or a column is. So I’m stuck where
 I was with my first resolution. Second, time now comes into play. According to Albert Einstein, time is relative. I don’t know who’s relative time is. I’m going to do a family tree of time to find out about all of its relations. I hope I don’t uncover that time is like a third cousin fifth removed from me. I won’t be able to put that in my brain. But that’s a journey for a later time.
Before all that, I need to unravel one more mystery. If the rule is “I before E except after C” what the hell am I going to do with the name Einstein? Here’s a man who is considered the greatest genius since Sir Isaac Newton, and he couldn’t even spell his last name right! But then neither could Isaac. How in the world is that spelling even close to the way the name is pronounced. It should be spelled Eyezick, or something like that. But “I before E” and the name Einstein? That’s just weird. But the word weird is weird too.
Did I stray from the point again? Well, we’ve already established that I couldn’t keep that resolution, so I’m not going to worry about it too much.
But getting things done on time is something I need to consider. Because time is relative, and because I’m pretty sure it supposed to be one of my relatives, and because the presence of matter affects the flow of time (i.e., the more mass there is, the slower time goes), and because my mass has been progressively increasing over the past couple of decades, my cousin time now flows slower than it used to. Which I must accept as fact, even though my perception is that time is flowing faster from year to year. But that is a flaw in the way I experience time, not in the flow of time itself.
But back to the point, I think. Time is now flowing slower for me than it used to, even if I don’t feel it that way. So when I’m late on an assignment, once you calculate all the variables: body mass, the “I before E variable” and sticking to the point, I’m actually something like a year early, even when I’m late.
Oh, crap! Now I’m baffled. And I’m also in a bit of a pickle. I have learned that my New Year’s resolutions are worthless, and I can’t
keep them. I’ve also realized that after this current exercise, it’s out there for everyone to see. And I am probably going to get more crap from some of you, my faithful and equally baffled readers. Oh, well. That’s the price we great thinkers have to sometimes accept.
And if you’re running low on crap to give me, get in touch with Alexis. I’m sure she’s got plenty to spare.