The darkness and pain of domestic violence

October is here and with it the usual barrage of pink to promote breast cancer awareness. Do not get me wrong — this is a most worthy cause and unless you live under a rock, it has brought the cause to the forefront of consciousness. However, there is another epidemic that uses October to raise awareness — domestic violence — and it is a cause that is just as worthy and just as big an issue.

You might ask, how can you compare the two? The reality is that you can’t. One is not within your control, the other is. In the U.S., 13% of women will experience breast cancer while less than 1% of men will. Flipping to domestic violence, the numbers can be quite staggering: 41% of women and 26% of males will experience it in their lifetime, according to the Centers for Disease Control. These numbers take into consideration sexual violence, physical violence and stalking.

It is a very stark reality.

Sadly, as with any epidemic, there are secondary victims as well. Friends, family and others are deeply affected by it. Children especially. It is almost a guarantee that you personally know a victim. The scars and pain may not be physical but the mental trauma and self-blame for these people is just as traumatic and just as jarring.

Domestic abuse is not just physical, though. There is also mental abuse. Gaslighting a person into believing everything they experienced was not what they really experienced is just as horrible. It leaves the victim wondering if their whole life experience was a lie. It leads to depression, anxiety and lack of self-worth.

Another issue that comes up is the effect on the children in an abusive home. Often these children normalize it. They see it as how it is supposed to be. Some grow to adulthood and perpetuate the abuse through their own actions. They see that a person who should have been cultivating a sound moral compass in them did it, therefore it must be OK for them to do it. Others grow into adults with trust issues. They carry their own scars and fear having them added to because someone they let in may do the same thing to them. It is an endless cycle of sorrow that is hard to break.

One question I have always heard is, why do victims stay in the relationship? That is complicated, and there are a multitude of reasons. Fear, lack of funds, people not believing it is happening, etc. The third one is huge. Too often the abuser is seen by the public, family or friends as a great person – no way they could do that. They may even be a paragon of society in the public eye – well regarded in church, business, charitable work. No one wants to believe they have a friend capable of such heinous acts. At a certain point, the victim gives up, withdraws from contact or limits contact for fear of ridicule or scorn.

We, as a society, need to be more informed about the signs of abuse, more in tune with our family or friends. We need to learn to see beyond the abuser’s reputation and be willing to speak up. Some signs are obvious. Bruises, cuts, black eyes are all stand-out indications. Excuses and lies about walking into a door or having a fall are typical ways to put off questions. Even a quick stop to think would tell you a fall doesn’t usually make fingerprint marks on an arm, and walking into a door is not an easy way to get a black eye.

The mental abuse can be much harder to spot. Things to look for are a lack of enthusiasm for things that used to bring great joy, or furtive glances at a partner when someone asks if the victim wants to do some activity they are — or were — passionate about while giving excuses as to why they can’t this time. Withdrawing from social functions or staying at home while their partner attends dinners and parties with friends, if both used to attend those functions together, is a strong clue. Another huge sign is when the partner or abuser answers invitations for their victim without letting them address that invite in a public situation — answering questions for them rather than letting them use their own voice.

If it seems that this is a subject I am passionate about, you are right. My reasons are simple. I know victims personally. I have heard their stories of feeling helpless. I have heard them when they talk about how if they didn’t have children who would have been left to the abuser, they would have taken their own lives. It can be that desperate and hopeless to them.

I have heard their stories of family, their own and the abuser’s family, denying that it happened. I have heard them tell how their own money was withheld so they could not leave and were forced to stay. I have heard the stories of gaslighting and belittling their accomplishments.

It is time we all learn to hear them, time for all of us to let them know they are seen, they are believed, and their stories are important. For those wondering how to do this, I recommend visiting thehotline.org. There are resources and education available.

Donate to shelters that cater to abuse victims. Two in this region are WAVI and WEAVE,  – both are Black Hills organizations. Personally, I use my yearly United Way donation through my company to donate to both. It isn’t a huge amount, but with the company match, it can add up.

Thank you for letting me have a voice for those who cannot speak. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and stopping to consider what you can do to help. In the end, the more we advocate, the stronger we become and closer we can come to eradicating a societal disease that is within our control. A browser search of domestic abuse resources will bring up a wealth of information you can use to learn how and where to help. You have nothing to lose by helping, and a lot to gain.